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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24879244">Just Breathe</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idjit_01/pseuds/Idjit_01'>Idjit_01</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Castiel Helps Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Has Panic Attacks, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Winchester Needs Love, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dean Winchester-centric, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Embarrassment, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Tried, I regret everythung, John Winchester´s death, M/M, No Dialogue, POV Dean Winchester, Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), Shocked Dean Winchester, Worried Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:48:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,547</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24879244</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idjit_01/pseuds/Idjit_01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Being a hunter and a person, Dean´s bound to have many firsts.<br/>Some are Good, some are Bad. After they happen it´s okay, because he knows what to expect. But they don´t finish appearing and it feels like a joke how the anticipation of them knocks the air out of his lungs and the steadiness out of his limbs.</p><p> </p><p>Set during the first 4/5 seasons. Deals mainly with anxiety/panic attacks.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cassie Robinson/Dean Winchester, Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester &amp; John Winchester &amp; Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Just Breathe</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Being a hunter <em>and</em> a person, Dean is bound to have many firsts.</p><p>He learns that early on and though which firsts happen first is beyond his control he welcomes them, knowing that if he can go through the first time whatever happens, he´ll be ready for the next times it happens. There will be no surprises after the first time; everything will be back in control.</p><p>And it´s not as if he doesn´t enjoy surprises, as if he doesn´t enjoy some of the firsts. The first time he saves someone he´s so proud of himself he goes to the diner next to the motel he´s staying in and knocks himself out with burgers and milkshakes. After he pays thoguh, this sweet first turns bitter. His dad is <em>mad</em>. He left Sammy alone while dad was closing up the case and a werewolf was still in the loose. He could have been hurt. Sam is <em>his </em>responsability.</p><p>The first time he loses someone his dad takes Sammy and disappears for a week. Dean must learn to be on his own, to stop being a <em>liability</em>. If he were focused, if he didn´t care so much it paralyzed him in critical moments, the case would have gone smoother and no one else would have died. He must learn what will happen if he gets <em>his family</em> killed.</p><p>Some firsts are expected. Like the first time he has sex. He didn´t even enjoy it. He just had to get it over with, had to get it done. It was messy and weird but he <em>did</em> get off -not that that means he liked it; he was on a mission, he had stop being <em>so innocent</em>. Or the first time he has to steal because dad´s gone for too long. Even the first time he gets caught stealing. He won´t admit it, but he´s surprised it takes so long for him to get arrested and sent to some <em>boy´s home. </em>He isn´t even surprised when his dad refuses to pick him up. It´s his punishment, there are other <em>methods</em> and even if they weren´t he knows his dad is disappointed he got caught. He shouldn´t have been so stupid to <em>get caught</em>. He wants to explain it, <strike>thatitwasn´thisfault</strike>, that i<strike>twasgoingtohappeneventually</strike>, that <strike>heshouldn´thavetostealinthefirstplace</strike>, but by the time he´s finally picked up he´s learned he´s wrong. This is his life and he has to own up to his mistakes. It´s okay.</p><p>Others take him by surprise. Like Cassie. She was supposed to be just a one time thing, but when he woke up he found out he didn´t <em>want</em> to leave. He liked her company and not just while being inside her. Or the first time he made Sam laugh so hard he spilled milk all over the couch. Luckily they left the town the next morning so they weren´t there for the aftermath of breaking the house rules of the place they were staying in, but even if they had been there for it the glow in Sam´s face would have made it totally worth it. He relishes these moments the most.</p><p>But everything unexpected isn´t happiness, sparkles and rainbows.</p><p>The first time Dean finds he can´t breathe is so out of the blue he thinks he got hexed and is dying. It´s one of those rare occasions when his dad takes Sam with him for woknowswhat and he´s alone in the motel room. When he can´t find any hex bags and his limbs are shaking so badly he feels he´s walking during an earthquake he thinks all the deaths he couldn´t prevent have come back to punish him. Is not like he doesn´t deserve it, but that doesn´t mean he isn´t scared of dying. He´s still taking care of Sammy and it would be so ironic to die <em>just because he can´t breathe.</em> He doesn´t know what happens afterwards. He´s vaguely concious of blacking out and waking up just before  his family´s back. Obviously, he pretends nothing happened. He can´t seem weak. <strike>He can´t seem weaker than he already is. Weaker than <em>what they already know</em> he is.</strike></p><p>When his dad dies he can´t help to feel relief. Immediately after, naturally, he feels even guiltier for it. He should feel awful. He should be in pain.</p><p>When his dad dies, he also feels disappointed. He was supposed to die. He <em>wanted</em> to die -Not that he´ll ever admit it. Dad -<em>John</em>, he thinks bitterly- robbed him from the easy way out.</p><p>He´s tired from firsts by then. And seconds. And thirds. He just wants it to be over. But he doesn´t act on it. Not while Sam´s still there. Not while he can still help.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Being a hunter <em>and </em>a person, Dean´s bound to have many firsts.</p><p>By the time he thinks it´s imposible for any more firsts to be angels appear. He wants to laugh <em>and</em> cry. It feels like a joke. As if the universe was trying to get him new firsts. as surreal as they can be, to keep him on his toes. To try to astonish him again. He had gotten used to hell and was relatively okay with being on Earth again -because though in hell was pain, there also was consistency. And it´s hard ot to have that.</p><p>He hates the form it takes -the surprise of the intesity, of the actually feeling something about the <em>first</em>. As shocking as it is, it isn´t the existence of angels that feel like a punch in the gut. It´s <em>who</em> gets him to acknowledge it. It´s blue eyes, messy hair and the shade of black wings. It´s the arousal pooling in his stomach at the sight. It´s the fact that <em>a male vessel</em> does that to him. He wants it beaten out of him. He hates it, so he does what he´s bet that: he denies it. </p><p>Eventually, he gets used to it. He forgets about <em>that </em>first. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The first time Cas finds him trembling on the floor it feels like the first time he couldn´t breathe all over again. He doesn´t know what´s happening -he must be hexed, he must be cursed, he must be<em> dying. </em>There´s no other reason for <em>an angel of the Lord</em> to find him this way. His body is shaking so bad he can´t even keep himself upright on the floor. He´s glad he´s in the bathroom when it happens -Sam hasn´t seen him this way more than twice and he was so concerned about him he wanted to die. Never again.- That´s why he wants to curse when he notices some one else is with him in the bathroom. His vision is blurry but thet doesn´t prevent him from recognizing the ugly trenchcoat in front of him and the ice blue eyes attached to it. He want to curse because someone else find him and he doesn´t want to see concern -pity- on someone´s face ever again. He doesn´t want to talk about it. He doesn´t want to be seen as weak. He doesn´t want to be seen as weaker than the average human in front of <em>an angel of the Lord</em>. </p><p>The first time Cas finds him trembling on the floor he can´t curse. He can´t catch his breath long enough to form words. There´s no oxygen getting to his brain and the little that is is so focused on dealing with the embarrassment he has to close his eyes to not to pass out.</p><p>When Cas touches his arm he embarrasingly leans into it and it grounds him, making it a bit easier to breathe. Images he can´t decipher are still flashing behind his eyes -it happens sometimes when he closes his eyes, it happens often before he can´t breathe-. When Cas takes his hand and presses it again his chest and feels his steady breathing he almost frogets what´s happening.</p><p>Eventually he notices he isn´t trembling anymore. His breathing isn´t shallow anymore -it´s actually evenly imitating the movements of the chest under his hand. Eventually he´s okay. When he opens his eyes Cas tilted gaze lingers a few seconds more on his eyes and then disappears.</p><p>The first time Cas finds him trembling on the floor he can finally breathe. They don´t talk about it, but the next time -every time- it happens again the memory -when Cas doesn´t misteriously appear- helps him breathe.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> As a hunter <em>and</em> a person, Dean´s bound to have many firsts. He doesn´t welcome them or dread them anymore. He´s okay with them. He doesn´t really care about knowing or not anymore. Because for the first time he knows it´s okay. That they will be okay. That even though, things will never be fine, at least he will be able to <em>breathe.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is a little fic I wrote -for the first time not at night AND on the computer- when I was feeling kinda panicked about upcoming events. I wanted, maybe, to get some hope. So I hope this is okay. I hope you like it, though I´m concious it isn´t very Good.<br/>As always, feedback is appreciated, welcome and wanted.<br/>Thanks for reading~</p></blockquote></div></div>
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